i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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