I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
