I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
