Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
