i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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