phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
and you fell through a lawn chair
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
