I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
