I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
