he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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