Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
