my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
