My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
