I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
