I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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