A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
