my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
