Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Everything about him screamed your future.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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