"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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