Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
