come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
