All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i love accidental penises.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Randomize
