I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
