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If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
