Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
