i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
