Your dad touched me again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
