Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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