yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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