my vag is so smooth its legendary
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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