my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
