She's JV to your varsity
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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