I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
