life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
