so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
