I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
