Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Randomize
