i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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