She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
