the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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