thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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