Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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