My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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