i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You left your phone here
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