You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
