In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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