I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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