I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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