True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
