Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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