No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
