I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
