Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
