After last night, I could never be a politician.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
