We got so high we made milksteak
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
