I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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