Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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