Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
