The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
