i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
