I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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