I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
