I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
