He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
