Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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