Fuck appropriateness.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
