your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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