note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
