he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
