i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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