I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
