Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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