I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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