Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize