I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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