I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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