she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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